One Mans Journey

Steve Jobs and the Mental Splinter of Mortality

I have to be honest Steve jobs has never really been on my mind that much  except for his commencement speech that was posted on You Tube and today his shocking death at 56. I think his young death hit me pretty hard because of all he had accomplished in such a short time. Also the number 56 sticks out in my brain like a sore thumb I’m 29 only 27 years away and to be honest Ive not accomplished nearly a thousandth of a percent of what he’s done with his life. I see people on You Tube younger then me far more successful than me doing far more with their lives, yet I think of myself as some sort of wise guy compared to mainstream culture. Steve was an extremely intelligent guy in the right place at the right time and made a handful of smart decisions and worked hard for what he accomplished. Then at some point he lost everything but then proceeded to rebuild himself, and now will forever be remembered as one of the great minds of history.

As I said 27 years from now I will be the same age as Steve and will I be able to look back on my own life with such admiration? I walked down to a local cemetery today and balled my eyes out realizing how badly I wanted to turn my life around and how many horrible mistakes I had made that had brought me to where I am now. If it is at all possible I want my life to change i’m young enough that I can do it which is the real kicker, but emotionally sometimes I feel so discouraged like I’m running up against a brick wall. The progress seems so slow and the years seem to move so fast.  Though I realize its not about how many times you get knocked down but how many times you stand back up, I just don’t want to realize my dreams at 64 and then croak! If I was too old to do anything I don’t think Job’s death would have caused me so much anxiety maybe some slight depression, but I’d be on my way out so it really wouldn’t matter. 

Steve’s passing reminded me we can go at any time whether we are successful or not. So living the life we do have is of paramount importance right now! Not tomorrow not two days from now, right now! I’m too young to give up and too old to be standing still! I will always remember this day, the day Steve Job’s morbid passing gave me something more than appreciation for all the gizmos he created to make my life easier, but rather the entirety of his life shining as an important reminder to live, for you never know when the bell will toll for thee.

Too Properous for pain.

     Something that’s been on my mind and bothering me of late is this idea that because one lives in a first world country that you have little to no reason to complain about how bad your life is, especially if you came from a fairly financially stable middle class family. I disagree with this analysis completely just because your not a starving refugee from a third world country whose family fell victim to gorilla warfare doesn’t mean you have no reason to be sad or feel miserable.

     It always irritates me when people point this out, because it sounds like they’re saying my feelings are invalid cause I’m not starving and dying and drinking unclean water, or half naked with flies and buzzards encircling me. Do people honestly think that this kind of “shame on you for feeling bad” argument is going to be feasible to a suicidal teen from an abusive home with antisocial problems? I don’t think so. To the mind the pain each individual suffers is just as real and as painful, no matter the economic advantage. A child abused in a wealthy home is in no less pain mentally than one in a poor home if the abuse is severe enough no mixture of good schools, nice clothes, and doctor visits is going to equalize that pain out.  I say this rather vehemently because I personally have had the privilege to be both poor and middle class and I don’t think my pain when I was middle class was any less than when I was poor. Money cannot solve trauma if you are in an psychologically unhealthy environment surrounded by atavistic people with mind destroying archaic beliefs.

    And to be quite frank I think people who use the analogy “at least your not in third world country” who lack the experience of what its like to grow up young in a abusive middle class environment are speaking out of ignorance. In my opinion one should not be so quick to condemn or berate the melancholia of others without truly understanding those individuals experiences. Also It might help to have a rudimentary understanding of how the mind perceives pain and trauma as well.

   This post has been bubbling in my head for months now I figured it was time to let it out. My father was a doctor and when I was in 7th grade he finished his residency and joined a private practice. My home life did not get any easier, yeah, now we could afford to go to the mall and buy nice jeans and I didn’t have to wear my moms home sown sweat pants and I was able to wear nicer shirts and shoes. But I still could barely connect with any of my classmates, i still spent the majority of my life alone, my father was still volatile and authoritarian, I still had low self esteem and fantasized about suicide. Likewise I still was treated like a pariah at school i remember sitting down at a table to chat with some of the kids and they’d all get up and move to the other table. So don’t feed me this idea that financial prosperity eases internal suffering. 

    I’d relate my point to a very attractive young woman I know she’s hot, smart, talented, and comes from an even more healthier and far less violent middle class family then myself. She’s blond haired and blue eyed and out going, one of the exalted paradigms in mainstream society. I had the privilege of really getting to know her and some of her history. I discovered that even she has tremendous low self esteem whats worse she beats her self up for it believing this nonsense that “she’s so fortunate she shouldn’t complain or feel bad”. This is the kind of insanity one inflicts reinforcing the idea that simply because your life could be worse you should be happy with what you got. No you shouldn’t! Trust yourself and if your mind wants more then I say you should go for it. Living your life in a circle of disappointment because others think you’ve got it so good keeps you from happiness and imprisons you in the false culture and misconceptions of others. Trauma is trauma, one persons trauma is no less valid then another.

The Road Ahead.

Today i went on my daily walk and I was reminiscing on how did I ever get to this point in my life standing on the edge of potential success or internal collapse, because of what lye’s ahead of me. Healing in the mountains of New York State I am at the threshold of turning my life around.

I was taken aback how a whole new world internally has been opened up to me through the integration of philosophy and psychology and quality friendships. I Know exactly which direction I want to go but I have no idea what I’ll be like when I get there or how exactly I’ll get there. I marveled in the softly muted sunlight at how bizarre my life had become nothing close to what i expected. A healthy surge of fear of the unknown gripped me and I stared deep into the clouds on a overpass hovering above the bustling highway that leads to the City. I was spellbound in the exact spot where thunder clouds and powerful winds had been the night before with lighting crashing, thunder roaring, the lights of the cars glowing like the eyes of merciless metal beasts piercing the rain, their growling engines darting under my feet. I know whatever comes next is not going to be easy how could it be nothing has been up until this point.

“I have come this far for what ?” I ask myself and the answer comes whispering through the cortical landscape of my ion charged mind “for me”. It does not matter if no one else cares or is watching or empathizes, this trek through life is for you so that you may find that which has been denied you from your birth, happiness, real self perpetuated happiness. I often wonder can it be done can I change that much can I truly turn my life around that much and a strident echo of my cerebrum declares to me “does it matter ? finding it or pursuing it either way each moment is better than next even in our darkest moments, because you are that much closer to its light.”

Indeed I am at a cross roads almost 29 years old at the end of this month I will be one year away from 30 and three decades will have passed me by. For better or worse Ive promised myself the next 30 will not be a repeat. Though my time is thin it simplifies things a little, I know I cant wait to act later or forecast I’ll start on some future project. The beauty of the reaper is he lets you know whats most important in your life ;) This next chapter is going to be loaded with risks, passions, reinventions, quality friendships, In depth internal healing and self knowledge. Also with a lot of hard work I might just find that happiness Ive been looking for and crack a few more smiles, tell a few more lame jokes, and maybe just maybe find the courage to wear colors other than black, white, gray, and dark navy blue but we’ll see ;P  

Racism Part 2: revisited upon reflection

In my first response to this subject I passionately recalled some of my profound experiences with racism and my inner turmoil with it. However I think that my frustration barely touches on the full picture of the issue. Ive encountered the religious mindset of racism everywhere at all black churches in barbershops in predominantly black neighborhoods, Ive heard of racism in asia and africa.  So this mindset/pathology is a global one.

The question then arises why is racism so prevalent throughout the globe.

Well lets look at what it promotes what are the benefits of racism? In every instance Ive come into contact with it its created a since of solidarity and unearned virtue in those espousing its general bias, in effect it became a leveling tool. Now that one is hopped up on the feel good endorphins of manufactured value what other benefits does racism bring? Ive also found it keeps people from having to change which has significant benefits to the majority of society’s elders who have become accustom to living a stereotype and holding it as a virtue, especially with its profound social benefits.

Racism is perhaps one of the slimy tentacles of culture.

The Elders of society whose brains are pretty much set are the enforcers of culture to take from a personal example many of my past friends would say my grandmother or great grandmother would have a heart attack if I dated someone of a different race. Equally my great grandmother whose since passed on would have too I just chose never to tell her but then again my family wasn’t that intimate, at least not with me. So the arbitrary unearned virtue of the family exerts the power to enforce the cultural norms because if you don’t obey them your breaking your grandmothers heart or your ungrateful. This threat of familial rejection is like death to a child and since now a days many people stay infantilized even as their body matures this threat maintains it everlasting grip, till they’re too old to challenge it.

Another question arises is it sometimes necessary to be racist in order to survive our dysfunctional society?

A friend of mine brought to my attention that in some instances he doesn’t want to paint with a broad brush it really troubles him but in certain situations, like when trying to avoid being mugged in a parking garage, he has too. Especially since its happened to a number of his friends. We discussed this at length and I don’t think one should neglect your safety in a potentially dangerous situations because it might be construed as racist. I refer to chris rock to articulate: http://youtu.be/63M34s8afbo

I will find myself in similar situations the fear and anxiety gripping me pumping cortisol and adrenalin throughout my veins. However in every situation I would say bring your awareness with you, are you generalizing out of fear of a real threat or is it happening when your having a nice conversation with someone in coffee shop in a nice neighborhood. I think just being conscious of the context is paramount.  I’m not sure i would call this reaction racist as much as being cautious. The perverted dysfunction of today’s society has given birth to people living stereotypes because they believe it is virtuous, This is one of the many reasons the racial element of crime is so lopsided in one direction.

What would happen or what would the world look like without racism?

Well those that who have gained privilege from artificial worth it brings would now have to work harder and competition would increase. Those in poorer neighborhoods would probably not be so divided since the haze of virtue on the basis of genetics would disappear. The current corrupt gaps between societies upper echelon, poor, and middle class would become painfully clear and the elites would have shit storm on their hands. Also societies elders would either have to adapt to the change or be excluded.

So whats the solution in essence what can one do about racism?

Well I think in the immediate at least politically nothing. Essentially everything has already been done and it hasn’t worked. Arbitrary divisions in society still continue with only a small minority of people truthfully breaking through the barriers. Not the answer you’d like to hear right, never fear I’m not done with ya yet ;) Racism is an outgrowth of culture and culture is an outgrowth of the family so it should follow if you improve your relationships and have more healthy families, a.k.a. children, then racism will become a relic of our atavistic past. This solution also essentially explains why this problem has not been solved and will continue to go unsolved for many generations. Shaming people will not change minds, inflicting violence through legislation will not change hearts. The only thing that can change this viral perception is abandoning culture and learning to love our children through peaceful parenting and instilling them with real self earned individual pride. When children grow up without being indoctrinated with artificially inflated virtue they will find things like culture and racism silly, and the blood, tears, and violence of this once prominent archaic belief will fade into the dust of time. The antidote to this epidemic pathology begins with you and me a open heart and a conscious mind.

Judge Gives Embryonic Stem Cell Research the Green Light(via @Gizmodo)

Racism

Can your feel the heat emanating from the title the incendiary sparks colliding in your brain and the emotion filled pool of anxiety brimming inside you? you can, great! now lets talk about puppies.

Seriously I dont even know how to start this but i feel driven to write about it. What is racism? well wikipedia describes it as: the belief that there are inherent differences in people’s traits and capacities that are entirely due to their race, however defined, and that, as a consequence, justify the different treatment of those people, both socially and legally. Moreover, racism is the practice of the different treatment of certain a group or groups, which is then justified by recourse to racial stereotyping or pseudo-science.

I’m going to stop here take a deep breathe and reflect join me if you like. Ok one more time.

My personal experience with this word dates back to my childhood with notable abusive teachers that i remember from kindergarten. Then it developed into being constantly the odd one out in elementary and middle and highschool.  My parents stipulated they wanted me to get a good education which meant living in suburbs and going to predominantly white schools where as one would expect as i was the brown dot in the sea of paleness I was picked on and ostracized except by those rejected by the main cliche’ the quote “losers of the group” I didnt see them that way but they were definitely on the lower totem pole of the social hierarchy so it was easier for them to communicate with me because they had nothing to lose talking to the black kid.  Since Ive been in this kind of environment for so long i developed a way to protect myself I began to pretend that my skin color didnt matter, i stuffed that idea in the back of my mind and would vehemently go to the debate mat with anyone in my family that said otherwise.  This only made it harder when reality would jump out of the ether and hit me upside my head with a racist interaction.  I remember some kid calling me nigger in 7th grade then running away down the hall and another threatening me and jabbing at my face.  In elementary school someone called me a nigger but when I told a teacher he denied it and that was that. Also as I went to nothing but all white schools i was use to being attracted to white girls and also regularly rejected by them too. The last woman I dated was white and wanted me to be friends with her very vocally racist parents this kind of complete disconnect has kind of brutally shaken me from my personal mythology about society. When Ive tried to hang with black girls i either wasn’t ghetto enough or there was a language and culture barrier. I finally dated one black girl because we met on a cultural and intellectual level sadly we didn’t meet on an emotional one and the relationship ended. There are the subtle things people do you know the stuff you can’t come out and say ah see thats racist but you know theyre treating you different. That subtlety happens more and more now that i’m older its a rather intelligent and sophisticated way to say i think your less because your black. Theres a song i found while searching blues artists that best describes this i think. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k0c1c0ZsTLA

Here in NY I had one of those subtle racist exchanges with a waiter while eating out at a restaurant with some of my friends and they even noticed it.  So where am i going with this well I had some rather heated debates with my father when i was in highschool saying racist people are just racist people but not all white people are racist. But my protests fell on deaf ears I thought that if I was just educated and a overall decent person white people would see that and realize I wasn’t a threat and we’d get along after all this was the 20th Century Martin Luther King and Malcom X had already addressed the problem and society agrees its distasteful (naivety is so sweet when you’re young). This led me to think then i can just ignore the whole race issue i can just put it behind me. When I got my first job Lowes in Virginia i thought if i work hard i could move up and make more pay, but what i found was i did a lot more work then some of my white co-workers, who held the same position, but i made noticeably less pay.

I feel Ive been this hamster on a wheel for 28yrs going “there is no racism there is no racism everybody’s equal everybody’s equal”. Well the wheel hasn’t just broke its come completely the fuck off the rails. I feel I have no choice but to admit defeat race does matter in this world i live in with everybody in every place you go, and there isn’t a damn thing i can really do about it in the immediate. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ZUHCLtnYFQ&NR=1&feature=fvwp

I feel like my 21st century dream of a post racial world at least for the intelligent few is dead. I can’t run from this issue and I cant hide from it and I fucking cant ignore it but I want too.  I don’t want to live in this era, I don’t want to live in world that primitive and backwards, i don’t want to explain to people when their unconsciously saying something racist, and I don’t want to have to keep explaining “that I’m a human being goddamn it my life has value!”. I don’t want this responsibility I don’t want to to talk about this at all.  Alas I can yell that as loud as i want into the stratosphere and i can keep running north and to big cities thinking I’ll escape it but i cant. Its like a shadow over my life I will never shake because the world wont fucking let me.  I honestly don’t know what to do except accept the fact that if i want respect as an intelligent handsome and valuable human being i’m gonna have to fight for it tooth and nail and call people out when they cross the line. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Kxp9CEJeAg

In highschool saying a racist comment that was said in “jest” offended you was a quick way to lose a white friend they’d label you “sensitive” and start avoiding you. I want to be just a man but because of society I’m not just a man I’m a Black man. I dont want this label, but if you lived in the middle ages and society labeled you a slave no matter how hard you fight it if your the only one that see’s you as a free man you wont be treated as such. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GeixtYS-P3s&feature=related

He he  if you’ve read this far I commend you have a strong stomach and a eager curiosity, and  ability to tolerate run on sentences and bad punctuation lol. Also I realized I still haven’t explained why i felt driven to post this I think that was because i wasn’t sure and now its become clear. Ive noticed in that some people within the community I’m engaged in have had some bad experiences with black people either robbed or bullied and then have since become scared or jittery around blacks in general this disturbed me greatly. I’ve spent decades being treated like a second class citizen by different individual white people and I don’t get angry or scared when ever i see a white person. It just strikes me as a intellectual disconnect from the reality of the situation. Hell Ive been pulled over by white cops for ridding my bike, or sitting on the steps of the college campus I was attending, or walking alone at night, but that made me worried about COPs not white people. I don’t know how to address this problem because Ive been ignoring it for so long, but now in the thick of intellectualism its reared its ugly head again and again and again and I can no longer look away. 

heaven help me, how i proceed from here.

Climbing the Soding Mountain

I find myself overwhelmed at the moment by what I have laid out in front of me. First order of business is to finish my resume and cover letter and then gruelingly prep myself for interviews. I know whether I’m accepted or turned down with righteous indignation the experience will be worth it. However reading all these rules, regulations, posturings, and mannerisms needed to convey marketability I feel like a stooge or an actor to some degree. I’d like to just walk in slam my resume on the desk and “say hire me!” The employer would obviously respond “what the hell for ?” and I’d reply “because I’m damn good that’s why!” to which the employer would say “ok fine I don’t give a fuck you seem up to snuff Next!” Instead I feel I have to stick a couple rods up my back side and balance china plates on my nose for these people.

In all seriousness I understand why these rituals are somewhat necessary, but there’s a very strong part of me that would rather be focused on other things. I have a growing interest in cognitive science and mathematics and philosophical activism ;)  but instead exploring those deeper I’m trying to figure out the direct precise words to express my value to a future employer, Its a grueling, seemingly uninteresting, and yet extremely vital process.

Every time my hands touch my resume my brow furrows and my gaze turns into a dark cauldron like stare. I feel so proud about what Ive done but a few moments review reveals my best isn’t quite good enough. Its times like these I realize my GPA that I was so concerned about in college is practically laughable. Working hard and kissing your professors ass in the arts for 5 year when it comes down to it isn’t that helpful when it comes to the real world. Yet it was instilled in me by my entire family and extended family that a black man without a diploma is fucked in this country so I got one, still fucked, maybe they should of specified a humanities degree.

I just seem to be in a point in my life where I’m in the dirt, on the ground floor looking up. I really don’t want to be one of those sad SOB’s rolling around in my 50’s or 60’s saying “if only” or making excuses why I couldn’t reach my passions. Even though I think Ive come so far I get a real sense that Ive got so much further yet to go.

None the less I’m like a bad penny baby I just keep turning up, so do your worst “life” I will surmount you and reach the summit or die in the process, my affairs are in order I am a man possessed.